the birding frock

it’s sort of deflating how i cannot figure out the puzzle of my brain.

it strikes me as odd that my will is not strong enough to pull me through the most basic desire. i want something, but how badly do i want it? enough so that i have to work for it? enough so that i may have to sacrifice, scale back, go without? i’m not sure why it is that i haven’t been able to see myself clear on this one little/big thing.

is it because i’ve done it before? that i’m tired and don’t care enough about it? that one is a lie. let’s be honest. i’m holding myself back because i don’t think i can do it, don’t think i deserve it, don’t think it’ll last. it never has.

this oddity, this kink in my pysche, the one that leads me down dark paths and into holes i can’t climb out of without an incredible will; this is the questioning, the nagging that has followed me for my most of my life. it sniggers and mocks. it whispers sabotage. as if i don’t merit a full and contented life. on all fronts. as if the badness of what once was is mine to keep and never give away. that i’ll never trump my own twisted logic. and that just drives me up the fucking wall, because that shouldn’t be true, that can’t be true. it would just be too demented. but, i’ll try, as i tried before and won- if only for a brief moment. i know that i’m strong enough to try, stroppy enough to try.