house.
the last two weeks have been overwhelmingly full.
i’m not sure if i can put into words the sort of stress that i was going through - it was almost as if my mind was put into a state of shock so that i wouldn’t be able to fall apart, which is what i am wont to do when i am running at full tilt. trying to get the loft to ’stage’ ready was an arduous task - so much so that the end product is something that we do not like - which i suppose, is the point. it looks like we don’t live there anymore, that two anonymous and somewhat cold people live there. no laughter, no sentiment, not much of anything. even the flowers died.
j. being away made things that much harder, meaning that i had to do a large portion of the moving of large pieces of furniture and a bit of packing on my own. not that i couldn’t do it, just the stress of having to do it in a certain amount of time, making sure that the painters were doing an acceptable job, going to work, the thoughts of our new house and the hope that we can sell our current one with ease, made it difficult for me to get out of bed in the mornings. too many vague thoughts at once, no definitives, made things a bit hard for me to cope in a manner that was assured and confident.
but now that it is all done, and all we have to do is wait, you would’ve thought that i’d feel much better, a bit freer. but the truth is, i don’t. i don’t think the butterflies in my stomach will fly away until the apartment is sold and we can be sure that our house will actually be our house. i keep picturing a future that is so certain, so lovely and so sweet - and it would break my heart if it didn’t happen. or its happening is delayed. mostly because i do not think that i can go through this uncertainty again. it’s all a bit too much.
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