by IM earlier today:

all me:

12:25  i know where the HUGE bug that encased itself in our bathroom and then escaped once it was even larger went to.
12:26  IT WAITED UNTIL I WAS IN THE SHOWER SO IT COULD STOP IN AND SAY, “HI”
12:26  i shrieked and was paralyzed with fear.
12:26  it was a fun shower.
12:26  i then proceeded to use an entire bog roll to kill it.
12:27  THE END.

i’m on the precipice of a four-day weekend, and i feel as if i’ve never needed something more. skivving off the last two hours at the office too, was an inspired decision on my part. something about an appointment i had to attend to at home - it was brilliance. and now, i sit here with a cup of tea in hand and a puppy in the yard frolicking in the muddy snow, shoving whatever he can into his snout and i couldn’t love the shit-monkey more.

and now i’ll wait for this first day of spring to turn to dusk, wait for the boy to come home - we have a date - we’re going to a play, we’re so pretentious it makes my teeth itch. then a late dinner to end off the night.

someone stick a fork in me, i’m done.

15.42 - s.o.s.

will the day never end? will i never go home again? who will feed my puppy?

sigh.

i’m fairly certain that this day will be the longest recorded by man. if not by man, than endured by me. i’m dying here.

i’ve been watching the second indicator on my screen flicker on and off since 8.30am and i’m in a sort of stunned disbelief that after what feels like an eternity - it’s only 10.46am. i am shockingly bored. and obviously, for being at work, this is not good. i am itching to get out of here, thinking of any and all plausible excuses to get my arse out of this seat, but i know it’s no good.

i don’t want this job, but i still need this job. oh, this is so grim. bake a shiv-laced cake, i gotta get out of here…

sometimes, change is forced on you. sometimes it’s just something you need to do, and sometimes it’s something a little more organic. like somehow the stars align themselves - they see the smoke rising, they see the waves that are starting to roll. they understand, they’ve watched from afar - you’ve been through this all before - maybe you’ve learned your lesson and don’t deserve to go through it again - and they, the stars take you under their cloudy wings and push you toward the changes you need to make. no turbulence, no drama, no fear, no consequence.

it’s a nice dream to have, to believe that sometimes things happen for a reason, and when the good starts to go bad, there are simple resolutions that get tidied up with bows and tape and get handed to you like a gift.

it’s a nice dream to have.

we watch a lot of films. and those that we positively love are few and far between. there are loads you like, sure - but only once in a while is a film as beautiful as the diving bell and the butterfly.

if you have the inclination, you won’t regret it.

getting up, being forced awake at 6.32am (on saturday! the gall!) by the whimpering puppy begging to be be let out, does have its sleepy advantages.

i am afforded the extra time to do my weekly, and very amateur manicure, slowly drink my epically sweet tea and to have a full on smiths hour. the boy has no love lost for my school-girl penchant for stephen patrick morrissey…. how does he love me and not the smiths?

i remember, and not so long ago, when friday nights were all about the debauch. it would take everything i had just to make it to the end of the work day, so that i could rush home for a quick lie-down, to make up the face and rearrange my closet to find something of note to wear. the evenings would turn into nights filled with hazy smoke that would turn my voice raw and husky, cooled only by the extra cubes of ice i would ask for in my vodka & ginger. i’d greet the lazy daze of the morning with a staggered fall into bed and sleep until the day turned to its middle and i felt the guilt of the passing weekend flitting by.

now? my friday nights are spent fighting to stay awake past the 23oo, huddled in cozy corners with the apple of mine eye - our bellies full of dinners we couldn’t muster to make ourselves, talking quietly of the week that went by us, laughing about the week that waits before us and hoping that the weekend will bring with it walkabouts, lazy afternoons, and long drinks of coffee, just looking, holding hands and staring at the little bean of puppy we recently brought home to love.

the comparison between old and new is not possible, but the preference is glaringly obvious. and although it may seem staid and grown, there isn’t much more one could ask for, then falling sleepily into bed after a long week, beside that one person who you can’t wait to wake up beside - because it makes me feel that much younger than i did, way back when, i was falling asleep with only the sound of thumping bass in my ears and the smell of stale smoke keeping me company…

what can actually happen within the space of november 12th and february 16th is somewhat mind-boggling.

i did not intend to leave this for so long, but as it goes, life gets in the way. and somewhere during the last leg of 2007, life got in the way of everything. the tail-end of the year was one spent in misery and despair. i’m not downplaying it or drumming up sympathy. no need to cock your head to the side and shake your head with understanding. it was what it was. it was one of the lowest moments in my life - and probably too soon in a marriage to test the mettle.

but, much like everything else, together we got through it. with much thought toward our future, our fiscal health, and the refusal to ever meet up with real estate in a dark alley - we got our financing in order, we moved in, unpacked, made ourselves a little home to live our lovely lives and added a sweet little puppy to the mix.

so, if you’re looking for a tally, it goes like this:

-married in august

-honeymoon in september

-bought a house in october

-hell in a handbasket in november & most of december

-new year in the new house

-the sweetest puppy on earth moves in (although he does have a penchant for waking much too early, like 5.30am on a saturday morning)

-february, life goes along, as it is wont to do, with a bit more weight on our shoulders. but, our little house and more importantly our little life of love & marriage, goes on uninterrupted by the mountain of shit we traipsed through this winter.

we have decided, though, that 2008 is the year of the nap. granted, a wee little doggy makes that well-nigh impossible, but that’s a cake-walk compared to what was keeping us up before.

this monday morning sees me bleary eyed and desperate not to be stuck behind my computer screen at work. i would’ve liked to have canceled this day, put it on hold, extend whatever time away i had. my time has been filled with things i do not want, and i’m waiting for it to end. i’m hoping it to be soon. weekends filled with anxiety, with feelings hurt, with not enough sleep are wearing me out. this one seemed to be at record-breaking levels.

wow, i’m sleepy.